10. The Lucky List

I learnt I had DCIS on 28 April 2011, the day before the Royal Wedding, a long bank holiday weekend, for which I was grateful as I could hide away, slap on a smile, pretend it was happening to someone else, then focus on finishing an MA assignment for the deadline on 3 May.

On Wednesday 4 May I had a long appointment with the Consultant surgeon and the Macmillan nurse. This time my husband was with me; a reassuring companion who helped me make sense of it all. There was no escaping now. This was for real and it was happening to me. The dates and details of the surgery were planned and explained. Fortunately and joyously, the fulfilment of a lifetime ambition to go to Cuba, scheduled for the end of May, could go ahead, as the surgery could wait until afterwards.

I went home and wrote out the Lucky List, the positives:

1. It’s not an aggressive, invasive or urgent cancer;
2. So many women have a tougher deal and go through the doors further down that Corridor;
3. It would be much tougher to cope with the aesthetics if I were younger;
4. Mastectomy comes with reconstruction. This is so important as I won’t experience the sense of loss, emptiness, bleakness I'd be likely to feel if I were just having the mastectomy. There’s a replacement breast of sorts;
5. I already have children and was able breast-feed; so glad I didn’t miss out on that;
6. It comes at a time of my life when it’s the least disruptive: how tough if the children were small;
7. I can still go to Cuba;
8. It shouldn’t affect my son’s A Level exams;
9. Six weeks off work in the middle of summer with imposed idleness? I should find something good in that!
10. Last, but far from least, I would receive the best medical care, possibly in the world.


Fortunately, the negatives list was shorter:

1. This is major surgery and it will hurt;
2. I’m terrified of anaesthetics;
3. Even though there is reconstruction, I’m still losing a breast;
4. There’ll be emotional pain to deal with;
5. It’ll take time to recover.


The two that I got wrong were the aesthetics and anaesthetics. The anaesthetic was no problem; experts help you slide out of consciousness with ease and without fear. The aesthetics were much more problematic than I’d anticipated. Size, it seems, does matter. Breasts are an issue, as you’ll see in tomorrow’s blog.